Sixteen
year old, Adam Novak lives in Springfield, Illinois, which is run by
a vicious business man. His favorite class in school is History of
the Superhero. He would love to learn exactly why the heroes deemed
humanity unfit to be protected. On the 16th anniversary of
the superhuman exodus, Adam and his friends take a walk in the woods
to discover a long forgotten base.
Soon
afterwords, all of them begin to develop superpowers. While some are
afraid, all of them use their powers to fight against the oppressive
regime of the business man. Faced with powers they do not totally
understand, Adam and his friends have a hard time. They are easily
defeated by a being, who has been waiting for new superheroes to
emerge. As the forces threatening their lives and those of their
families close in, Adam and his friends will need to make a desperate
gamble if they are to see tomorrow.
Complete
at 60000 words. HEROES: REINCARNATION is the first book in an epic
superhero story.
eep! i missed matt's advice... sorry, i can't ever seem to keep up.
ReplyDeletei have to say, i think this lost something in the editing process.
i was caught with the premise in your original opening, although it was summarizing and not quite query-written.
i would suggest (though take it with a grain of salt, please) bringing that information more fully into your opening sentence of your hook paragraph.
it feels like this query here is a good bare bones version of what you had- but lacking the dynamics of that original one.
here would be my suggestions:
"Sixteen-year-old Adam Novak lives in the world the superheroes abandoned. (or something like that- something other than springfield, which just makes me go, "blah" if i'm reading fast.)As a result, his hometown is run by the oppressive regime of a vicious madman (and something about how this effects him personally- even before the inciting incident.)
(in this next para, i would speak of the inciting incident
... this is the part for the Quest of the story... the general three para format of a query being hook-with a character usually- quest, and consequences)
On the 16th anniversary...to... new superheroes to emerge.
then the final body para i would have the consequences "As the forces... to... see tomorrow."
if you'd like more line by line feedback (for what it's worth) feel free to email me your next version at ca5well at aol dot com.
best of luck to you, sir!